The Archive

Back Issues

Every dispatch we've filed, newest first. Older editions sink to the bottom like sediment in a cup of diner coffee left too long on the warmer.

June 2026

  1. BLACKSTOCK, ON

    Resident Seeking Farmer For Garden Help Specifies, Reassuringly, That It Is 'Not Acre Or Acres'

    A community member has bypassed several intermediate steps between 'frustration at the grocery store' and 'vertically integrated subsistence operation'

  2. UXBRIDGE, ON

    Residents Pay Off 'Culvert Debauchery' Via Final Tax Notice, Continue Investigation Into Whether They Are Trying To Be Like The City

    A 31-comment thread on a starscape-background image of the words 'horse shit' is now the township's primary forum for fiscal policy

  3. UXBRIDGE, ON

    Horse-Related Sanitation Incident At Big-Box Retailer Climbs To Top Of Town's Active Concerns, Drawing Comment From Mayor

    'Not traffic. Not crime. Not politics,' the mayor reportedly wrote, in what residents are calling a tone problem and what historians are calling a love letter

  4. UXBRIDGE, ON

    Phone Service In Region Officially Not Out, Bell Confirms, As Hundreds Of Residents Confirm Otherwise

    The carrier's outage map continues to display 'no outages in your area' to residents who are, by their own observation, in an outage

  5. PORT PERRY, ON

    Resident Seeking 'Cost-Efficient Vet Who Doesn't Take Advantage' Receives 247 Recommendations, Two Threats, And One Marriage Proposal

    The contradictory reviews of the same three local clinics, posted within minutes of each other, are now being studied for what they reveal about the nature of pricing itself

  6. UXBRIDGE, ON

    Routine Excavation At Township Park Sparks Wave Of Confidently Wrong Theories From Residents Who Did Not Think To Ask

    Worm farm, veggie patch, government cover-up, and 'condo building like Port Perry' among the explanations offered before anyone called the agricultural society

May 2026

  1. UXBRIDGE, ON

    Downtown Construction Greeted With Pre-Emptive Negativity, Per Speculative Negativity Index

    The Corn's Speculative Negativity Index has reached 'severe' for the fourth consecutive quarter, driven entirely by buildings that have not yet been built

  2. PORT PERRY, ON

    Self-Serve Car Wash Owners Remain Unreachable, Veteran Note-Leavers Enter Third Year Of Patient Vigilance

    A coalition of residents has, over multiple seasons, left messages, written letters, and once tried 'just sort of yelling into the bay'

  3. BLACKSTOCK, ON

    Beloved Rural Fair Confirmed Cancelled By People Who Were Not Told It Was Cancelled

    Organizers, vendors, and the fair itself, currently being assembled, were not available for comment on the cancellation

  4. PORT PERRY, ON

    Unattended Vehicle Behind Grocery Store Enters Second Day, Town Braces For Worst

    Police confirm it is, by every available metric, just a van